real time web stats

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Unedited Sample from Book #3 Chapter 2

I'm currently working on the MS4 (Manuscript 4) version of book #3, "The Saeshell Book of Time: Part 3: Paradise Lost". The goal of MS4 is to add what I call "deep characterization", which means I add the inner thoughts, the petty jealousies, the inner fears, and distinguishing flaws to the characters. Using these elements I dramatically increase the tension in the novel. 

In this sample, all the characters are immortal and their aging is frozen. Peter3 is a 14 year-old genius from an advanced civilization who created Tova2 from the dying remnants of the 19 year-old advanced human, Tova. Tova2 is effectively a super-being. The Pauls are the 9 year-old lightning bolt shooting policemen of the culture. Paul25 is floating above Tova2. Tonya is the advanced civilization's computer that sees all and controls the technology of the civilization. Tova2 is being taught how to create a Paul and unknown to her, she is also being tested. But to what end????

Here is the excerpt:

The little blond headed boy’s body jolts on the medical couch and he takes a big gasping breath. Then he immediately sits up.

“Design error, conscious energy matrix has failed to bind completely,” warns Tonya loudly.

The little boy sticks his finger in his mouth and turns to Tova2. “Are you my mommy?”

Tova2 says to Peter3, “What’s going on? What happened with the design?”

“I don’t understand it, Tova2,” puzzles Peter3. “Everything is showing that the reintegration happened correctly; the responses from the machine match the design spec for the Paul.”

Tova2 thinks, “Come on Peter3 memory, where are you. It must be in my head somewhere. Maybe if I see what he is thinking, my mind will recall the memory he stored there. Peter3 is scared! He doesn’t know what to do!”

“Mommy, my side hurts,” whines the little boy loudly.

“Metabolic flaw, kidney failure is imminent; toxin is building in neural cells,” alerts Tonya.

Tova2 shakes with a muted quiver, contemplating terrifying thoughts in her mind. “How could Paul7 butcher one of his own kind just to test me? There is no solution to this. What are they trying to make me into?” Her mind freezes. It is resisting the duty it must perform.

“Mommy, I feel really bad,” cries the little boy with tears in his eyes.

Her parental instinct responds with robotic precision, “It’s okay, baby. Mommy is trying to make you feel better. Peter3 this is getting out of hand. Figure out quickly what you did!”

The little boy begins to shake a little with his fingers rapidly twitching.

“Mommy, I’m scared,” screams the little boy.

“Mommy is going to fix things really soon,” she mechanically responds. Yet her mental terror increases. Her mind reaches out and grabs Peter3’s mind; she sees the ancient, beautiful mind of her creator who she dearly loves—shaken by an earthquake and crumbling stone by stone toward destruction. Pass the test, fail the test, watch the little boy die in agony—she cannot abide Peter3’s love filled heart—her wondrous creator’s mind—being torn apart.

Tova2 turns to Peter3 and says with tears in her eyes and a soft, defeated voice, “This is hopeless, Peter3; get out now.”

“Seizure point approaching,” warns Tonya.

“I’ll stay Tova2,” comforts Peter3. He has made his choice too, for only his creation, his custom made love, truly matters. 

“It’s my job; he is suffering; get out quickly,” says Tova2 assertively.

“I will stay with you,” says Peter3, desperately not wanting to see Tova2 suffer.

Tova2’s mind flashes in a whimsical way with a single thought, “So much love, such a beautiful mind, and so dumb.” She stares intensely at Peter3; red sunglasses appear in front of her eyes; she yells, “Leave now!”
Peter3 is so startled that he jumps away from the machine, pulling out of the control panel. He jaunts away immediately.

Tonya barks, “Destruct malfunction, destruct not available.”

“What is going on?” cries Tova2. “Paul7, you are a murderous bastard!”

Paul25 is crying out loud; his tears are dripping, raining on Tova2. Faintly from behind her, she hears Paul7’s quiet chuckling.

Tova2 says to the little boy, “Okay baby, we are going to play a game. You are going to count three, two, one, and Mommy will make you feel better.” Totally discordant to her emotions, her chilling intellect mentally quips, “Mommy is going to make you die a horrible, agonizing death.”

The little boy nods his head, ready to play his mommy’s game as his body starts to shake strongly.

(C) Copyright 2010, 2011 by Rusty Biesele

No comments:

Post a Comment