Thursday, November 18, 2010
More Feedback on Installment #1 (MS3 I1)
Demographic: 26 yr old female college student, NY.
To start off, I love the prologue. I don't normally read them, but the start of yours caught my attention. It reminds me of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, which is a good thing. :)
It took some time for me to get used to your writing style. This isn't good nor bad, but the style in which you wrote feels more like a play to me. I'm used to third person past tense being used. This is relevant, in that I felt that the start of the story was kind of slow, and I'm sure getting used to a style that I am unaccustomed to is part of it. The other part, is that it feels very science heavy in the explanation given the children of how the universe was created and related details. This isn't necessarily bad, but as an individual who has a fascination for astronomy and theories for the creation of the universe, even I had a bit of a hard time getting through it. Once I got through that explanation, however, it picks up a lot and it was able to suck me in. I can see this start deterring some readers.
[She is correct, some readers blow right through the initial science stuff with no problem and some just hit a brick wall. There is a small tinge of Plato's Republic, so it is very conversational. ]
In terms of the characters, it struck me as strange how Elof2 would, on occasion, retort with a sneer or in an otherwise jerk fashion, particularly since he cares for the boys as sons.
[Elof2 plays the role of a teacher at this point.]
For example, on page 21, line 353, Elof2 replies with "Whatever" to a comment from Ty. While it could simply be my personal interpretation, that seems much too... teenage-apathy for the character you are representing otherwise with Elof2. This type of reaction occurs several times in response to Ty or Tycho. I don't know if it is intentional that he responds on occasion with such hostility, given his history, but it strikes me as odd every time I encountered it in reading.
[Elof2 is a very odd and conflicted character. You might expect that for someone raised by an abusive parent. At this point he has a lot of suppressed fear that Ty and Tyco will be euthanized and he tries to hide it with his dismissive nature. ]